Saturday, September 15, 2007

Meeting Dr. Van Nostrand

Very rarely do I find myself face to face with pure terror. I mean, sure, I've been alone on subway platforms at 5 a.m. before, and sure, I've had Donnie Wahlberg threaten me for not liking Saw 2, but pure terror?

I mean pure,unadulterated LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE terror?

That was last night.

I received explicit instructions from the honorable Dr. Reinhardt Van Nostrand to meet, alone and unarmed, under the Williamsburg Bridge at the Devil's hour. Dr. Van Nostrand has worked with (and possibly against) the Pioneer Theater since its' inception in 1302*. Some dare say he is even older than that.

Making a fool's assumption that I was early, I called Vlad the Impaler to ease the tension. But then, I heard shuffling followed by a gruff shout. Unsure of the noise, I hung up and peered around the corner.

"Dr. Van Nostrand," I meekly asked. "Is that you? Doctor?"

A moment passed, the wind howling past as oblivious drivers above and before us went by, blinded to the darkness of Manhattan.

"LICK...MON."

If it wasn't for the street lamp nearby, I wouldn't have noticed the shadow moving against the bridge's foundation. I made my way closer, creating distance in case this was not the good Doctor.

"LICK...MON?"

"Hello Dr. Nostrand," I managed to say. The fear? Crippling. The wind? Blowing. The times? A'changing.

"TURN AWAY. DO NOT WATCH ME. WALK AWAY AND WAIT."

Confused, but even more afraid, I did as the Doctor instructed. I heard rumors from STV that one could not disagree with the Doctor. To do so meant being subjected to the horrors he has spent lifetimes studying and perfecting.

I wish I could go into the interview that followed. How we discussed the many deaths awaiting Larry Fessenden, how many Wrong Turns the city has taken and how the Pioneer will undergo a massacre of epic proportions.

But I'll be honest. I can't remember any of it. Like a nightmare, I woke up in Brooklyn at Union Pool, slumped inside of the photobooth without a single idea of what happened. I wandered inside, a daze, I was told by my friend. Mumbling to myself in a language never before uttered by the crowd of Art majors, musicians and "graphic designers."

In fact, the only proof I have of even meeting Doctor Van Nostrand is the conversation on my recorder and this image, which bore into my very dreams as if to say, "Let this be a lesson! Do not cross the Doctor."






*Note: Fun historical fact. Did you know the Pioneer originally conquered the Americas? Cause they did. And they also invented the wheel. And beer. And pizza. Pioneer did a lot of things first.

*2nd Note: To find out what happened to John and read the real piece he's working on for Primetime A and E, pick up the October issue which comes out next month. And see Pioneer's full October schedule here.

*3rd Note: wtf, blogger, let me use my ampersand.

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