Friday, July 06, 2007

The Most Useless Transformers, continued!

Listening to John Brownlee's little cry of, "OMG, SOUNDWAVE IS NOT TEH SUX," I was reminded of a rather simple video.

Namely, Soundwave getting pwnt by his Autobot counterpart:


(I will admit that Japanese Soundwave does sound a more bad-ass than "Hello-can-you-hear-me-I-am-a-nerd-with-a-VOcorder-and-you-will-fear-me-because-I-use-a-VOcorder.")

But I got back to thinking and found I have a few more "Most Useless" Transformers that weren't used in the final, twice re-edited piece on CRACKED

In no apparent order (since no one can clearly beat Soundwave as teh lame:)


Frenzy
Transforms into a cassette(cartoon) /CD Player (2007 film)


Why's He Useless? Aside from being wholly dependent on Soundwave to be let out, Frenzy is one of the first to experience “Michael Bay”-fication. That means that even if you were slightly bad-ass in the cartoon, you become a horrid self-parody in the live-action movie. Case-in-point: since Soundwave is not in the movie, Frenzy is partnered with Barricade (the cop car) and launched out of the cop car’s grill. Later on, he turns into a Sidekick.
Oh, also, Shia LeBouf beats him up. That automatically means you’re the most useless creature ever invented by a sick, sadistic God.




Quickswitch
Transforms into a robot, a hovercraft, a laser gun, a jet, a drill tank and a flying puma.
Why's he useless?
Tough call at first, right? Here's a six-changer who sounds like he can be awesome. He's even the son of Sixshot, whose various forms delighted me to no end as a child. Of course, they delighted my parents more when I couldn't make tank mode work and he really wasn't that fun once you lost the coveted transformation manual. But back to his bastard son--and we'll ignore just how sentenient robots give birth to other robots for now.

Back to the problem at hand: how does a six-changer come off as useless? By turning into a flying puma.
Yeah, that hovercraft's handy. Sure, being a robot that fights other robots is cool. But you know what this situation really calls for? A flying puma. So he can fly around and stun our enemies into thinking they're in some weird mash-up of Hayao Miyazaki and just plain odd. God forbid he turn into something useful like...oh...maybe a flying wolf like his father. A flying wolf, mind you, that can fire missles.


Megatron (from Robots in Disguise)
Transforms into a dragon, a gargolye, a car, a spaceship and a hand.
Why's he useless?
In one of the more recent (and awful) Japanese send-ups of Transformers, everyone becomes a wide-eyed Mecha capable of unleashing the pain. Optimus Prime is in fact a fire truck who can enter "God Fire Convoy" mode and combines with Ultra Mganus to become the Dragonzord or some inane thing. But Megatron is the worst here. Sure, he turns into a bevy of things, but a hand? An ominous, floating hand that slaps things?


(the hand.)

Later on in the series, he can change into a gryphon, an elephant and a pterodactyl too.
Why? Who knows! It’s Japanese! That’s the beauty of it. I’m sure there’s some symbolism here I’m missing, but it doesn’t matter. He’ll turn into an Elephant and start doing a kabuki dance or something, or rape some little girl with tentacles and then give a victory sign.


Megatron (from the 2007 movie)
Transforms into a giant metal vagina with legs.
Why he's useless?
He's a giant robot with a metal vagina for a mouth and voiced by Agent Smith. He may as well have just had Anthony Anderson draw a big penis on his face in sharpie. See also, "Michael Bay-ification."






The Breast Force
Transforms into a fighter jet (Leozack), a "missile buggy" (Jaguary), a double-barrelled tank (Killbison), a drill tank (Drillhorn), a hypnotizing jet fighter (Hellbat), another fighter jet (Gaigawk), no idea (Deathcobra) and some sort of dragon/bird hybrid creature (Deszaras).

Why They're Useless:
Well...wait. They're named "The Breast Force' because their chest plates turn into weapons and/or other animals; they had a member named Deathcobra; they turn into a super-powerful combined robot whose name roughly translates into 'The Lion King' and they're led by a dragon.


I take it back. These guys are pretty sweet. They're the most AWESOME transformer ever since the walking T-Rex Decepticon City.

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1 Comments:

Anonymous cheap viagra said...

Transformers is perfect! I remember when I watch that series when I was a child, the new movies also are amazing , what I don't liked was that some of the characters in the movie are a little bit different.

10:19 AM  

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