Thursday, July 05, 2007

How To Get Dugg and Screwed (2,200+ times)

The idea came to me in a fury of mid-afternoon depression mojitos, a can of diety coke and eating a salad.
Honestly, salad is great, especially when you replace the whole "vegtable" thing with "sausage and potatoes mixed with onions."

Salad then is awesome.

But, the idea:
"Man, Soundwave is lame."

Sure, this is the Transformer that ejected robot jaguars, hawks, tiny men and copies of "The Touch" from his chest. But when you get down to it, the giant robot that turns into a tank/tractor trailer/hot rod/fighter jet will always beat the giant robot that can play my old Violent Femmes tapes.

And then I thought about it some more. Gee golly, there are a lot of lame Transformers. It sounds odd, since TF was one of the few American/Japanese co-productions that gave us a giant robot craze (leaving out Gundam, Macross/Robotech and Tetsujin-28/Gigantor.) But why in the good name of Optimus Prime did the science officer transform into a fucking microscope? No one even explained why he became a microscope and not a telescope, or an atom smasher or an electron scale.

So, I got a hold of my friend who survived the various shakedowns and breakdowns at CRACKED and brought the idea up to him. He said to pitch one of the two remaining editors, so I did. I threw in a few other ideas about Japan, robots and one poorly worded "Lessons learned from John McClane" that I wrote as "John McCain."

I read MSNBC First Read every day. It was a slip.

He liked the Transformers idea, skipped the other four pitches. I turned it around within a week or so, shooting off 8 or 9 final profiles and letting them decide what they wanted to keep. Then, I waited.

And waited.

Two weeks later, with the "Transformers: The Movie" coming out, I was a little skepitcal why I hadn't heard back from the editor. Normally, there'd be some rewriting process involved. I know I'm a gifted savant, but I'm also fairly idiotic and normally go through at least three revisions before the final process. I asked my friend and he heard nothing, so again recomended I shoot an email off.

That got the reply of:
"Yeah John we're working with it on our end though, so you're good on this one. Next step for you would be pitching us some new idea."

Great, they liked it. So, I checked the sites on Tuesday when I woke up. First came my piece on the Japan Society's JAPAN CUTS program going on this week and next at The Reeler.

Then onto CRACKED for The 7 Most Useless Transformers Ever!


By CRACKED STAFF.

Which is odd. Since I'm no longer working at CRACKED. In fact, they don't have an office anymore. In fact, I'm fairly certain only three editors exist now at CRACKED. In fact...my name isn't associated at all with the article that's been linked on Gizmodo and currently has 2,272 Diggs.

My friend claims--and I remember from working there--that when enough editing is required for a piece, it takes on the CRACKED STAFF byline. But that was usually for a day-turnaround when I'd hear the editors complaining that the writer wouldn't, couldn't or refused to make a change. I waited for two weeks to hear anything about my edits, even offering to grab pictures and do photoshop if need be. Still no word from the editor about why my name was changed. And looking over my original draft, yeah, a lot was changed. But that's what drafts are for.

Luckily, Soundwave still sucks.

edit: And my editor says,
Hey man,
We had another outside writer come in and give it a punch up. It's usually our standard policy that we don't do attribution if two writers did substantial work on a piece as well as the editorial staff. Just gets too lengthy. I'll add names at the end of it so there's some credit given-- By John Lichman with Danny O'Brien (other writer's name).


it sucks to whine, but damn it, I'm worth it too.
or something.
whatever.
Time to get margaritas and cry in my bath-tub of shame.

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1 Comments:

Anonymous Ben Joseph said...

That was you? Poor baby.

Where have you been? I miss your sweet caress.

12:36 PM  

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