Monday, July 17, 2006

idiot savant's guide to: beating hotness

today is supposed to be one of the hottest days of the year. it is going to feel like three digits of sun-bleaching death coming down onto my whiskey-laden bones. the news feeds tell me that i should plan on staying cool.
that is why i have decided to stop wearing clothes today and walk around in a bedsheet. it is quite comfortable.
that's a lie. i'm wearing clothes.

only freaks walk around naked.

and it's easy to beat the hotness. just follow my lead.

the idiot savant guide to beating hotness and not killing yourself

step 1: put on underwear. this is crucial. you don't want to be naked and sit down and start sticking to shit. that's just disguisting.

step 2: shower. wait. fuck.

step 3: forget step 1 and 2. shower first.
step 3a: then put on underwear.
step 3b: then make coffee.

step 4: and don't be a fucking pussy. you're not going to work today. it's too hot. you make 24 cups of the blackest, most vile viscuous shit you've ever had since working at a certain music publication and you drink that. I swear to god, if I see even an inkling of leftover coffee, i'm nailing your ass faster than Russian Prime Minister Vladimir "I Pooted" Putin closes in on a child.

hm. reminds me.

i know it's late and all, but the indifference on that kid's face...

step 5: steal your neighbor's wireless network so you can play Mario Kart DS for an hour or two.

step 6: go read Burning Angel and curse self for not having functional credit card or enough indie cred to bribe way into having account.
step 6a: ...remember that Porno Tube exists. World better.
step 6b: fucking hot. no, seriously, it is very humid and drinking coffee may not have been the right idea.

step 7: remember threat you made to self back in step 4. watch back.

step 8: wait for 5 pm to hit so former roommate will show up and you can both go to Tequila's awesome fucking happy hour of free beans and cheap liquor!!!1. Oh hell yes.

step 9: remember it's barely noon.

step 10: go sleep in bath tub, relive memories of cinco de mayo.

step 11: wake up when realizing "memories of cinco de mayo" were not all that plesant, but ironically involved Tequila's happy hour as well.

step 12: question all i've done in the last 7 months.

step 13: spend a moment remembering that not everything was awesome.

step 14: but throwing former roommate's girlfriend's razor into the toilet and flushing it was by far one of the most gratifying moments.
step 14a: as was stealing friend's bottle of whiskey.
step 14b: disregard the rest of the unpleasant examples.

step 15: go watch your neighbors while you drink coffee and stand in your underwear.

step 16: remember to take out recycling.

step 17: go back to waiting for happy hour.

Saturday, July 01, 2006


-get out of work at 3, buy some fresh turkey burgers, go home and watch Naruto on YouTube? check.
-commence drinking? check.
-drinking turns into adventure to wine store? check.
-take another adventure to see band at concert at 10 pm but leave apartment at 5:30 instead? check.
-eat sushi from what i assumed was a buffet line? check.
-find out that buffet line was in fact the salad bar in a bodega? check.
-buy food? check.
-fall asleep in local park? check.
-fall asleep because of questionable content in a large can of what surely was not beer? oh, check.
-wake up because of a child poking my face with a stick? check.
-go to local bar? check.
-try to talk to guy next to me, he nods and then leaves? check.
-have two more beers? check.
-not remember coming home and missing a show and friend in town for one night? check.
-find out i made a 40-second song? check.
-40 second song meaning i apparently found out i had garage band at some point, pounded on my keyboard and repeated the phrase "tzasle, jeezum jimble tamble, zee kee kee kee" and ending with only a single word? check.
-doing all of this before 8 or 9 pm last night? check.
-most likely banned from two more bodegas and bars? yeah, check.

that said. while i wait for the police to find me, omg invisible octopus?!

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