idiot savant's guide to: beating hotness
that is why i have decided to stop wearing clothes today and walk around in a bedsheet. it is quite comfortable.
that's a lie. i'm wearing clothes.
only freaks walk around naked.
and it's easy to beat the hotness. just follow my lead.
the idiot savant guide to beating hotness and not killing yourself
step 1: put on underwear. this is crucial. you don't want to be naked and sit down and start sticking to shit. that's just disguisting.
step 2: shower. wait. fuck.
step 3: forget step 1 and 2. shower first.
step 3a: then put on underwear.
step 3b: then make coffee.
step 4: and don't be a fucking pussy. you're not going to work today. it's too hot. you make 24 cups of the blackest, most vile viscuous shit you've ever had since working at a certain music publication and you drink that. I swear to god, if I see even an inkling of leftover coffee, i'm nailing your ass faster than Russian Prime Minister Vladimir "I Pooted" Putin closes in on a child.
hm. reminds me.
i know it's late and all, but the indifference on that kid's face...
step 5: steal your neighbor's wireless network so you can play Mario Kart DS for an hour or two.
step 6: go read Burning Angel and curse self for not having functional credit card or enough indie cred to bribe way into having account.
step 6a: ...remember that Porno Tube exists. World better.
step 6b: ...so fucking hot. no, seriously, it is very humid and drinking coffee may not have been the right idea.
step 7: remember threat you made to self back in step 4. watch back.
step 8: wait for 5 pm to hit so former roommate will show up and you can both go to Tequila's awesome fucking happy hour of free beans and cheap liquor!!!1. Oh hell yes.
step 9: remember it's barely noon.
step 10: go sleep in bath tub, relive memories of cinco de mayo.
step 11: wake up when realizing "memories of cinco de mayo" were not all that plesant, but ironically involved Tequila's happy hour as well.
step 12: question all i've done in the last 7 months.
step 13: spend a moment remembering that not everything was awesome.
step 14: but throwing former roommate's girlfriend's razor into the toilet and flushing it was by far one of the most gratifying moments.
step 14a: as was stealing friend's bottle of whiskey.
step 14b: disregard the rest of the unpleasant examples.
step 15: go watch your neighbors while you drink coffee and stand in your underwear.
step 16: remember to take out recycling.
step 17: go back to waiting for happy hour.